December 18, 2008
The One Who Shares My Name
Disclaimer: Nothing I write here is intended as a means to gain attention for myself, nor solicit pity. I need to express my feelings as a form of therapy, and hopefully, as a step towards a bit of healing.
Where to begin?
Life as I knew it changed forever in September 2007. I've been through many difficult times in my life - divorced more than once, beaten by one, raped repeatedly by another, betrayed by loved ones, cast aside by my children - but this particular series of events left me with a gift that keeps on giving. All because of the one who shares my name.
Hardly a day goes by that I don't experience new pain inflicted on me because of that situation. I have very few things left in life that bring me a bit of joy, yet they continue to be taken from me, one by one.
I left a good job and beautiful home to live a life that promised to be even better; finally, true happiness as I'd never experienced before.
It was literally snatched from me overnight.
I now live in a drafty old house, a mere 600 sf, a bathroom big enough to take a shower, use the toilet and brush my teeth, all at the same time. There are no closets to hang my clothes, so I live in sweatpants while the majority of my things remain in storage, an additional expense I cannot afford.
Hundreds of friends that I conversed with and provided support to on a military forum disappeared overnight. I was an administrator to the thousands that enjoyed the site, and I was stripped of those duties. The mere sight of my name spawns angry outbursts - this event by the one that shares my name hurt thousands of my brothers as well, and that in turn causes me more pain.
A favorite television show triggers bouts of tears and I have to leave the room. Stories of true military heroes forwarded innocently by friends send me into a whirlwind of emotions; I honor them, yet I feel shame at the same time. All because of the one who shares my name.
I served my country and retired as a MSgt of Marines after more than 21 years, yet my service is overshadowed by the sickening deception of another. I long to associate with any one of a number of military organizations in the area; I yearn for the camaraderie that can only be shared with those who have served, yet I am afraid to even think about being a part of anything again. My choice to stay and help the one who hurt my brothers and I is common knowledge. I fear rejection and being ostracized. I also don't want to cause anyone any more pain, because of the one who shares my name.
I've been a member of a very loving group of Christian women on the internet for several years now, and they have truly been my lifeline, the only friends I have in this world. I love each of these women dearly, and yesterday I had to say goodbye, at least for a while. I am such an emotional wreck that seems to be getting worse rather than better, and the most innocent of comments can send me into near rage. I catch myself thinking unkind thoughts and wanting to lash out, and I can't bear the thought of hurting anyone else because of my own hurt. Rather than do that, I choose to give up those I love. That seems to be a trend in my life. All because of the one who shares my name.
What more can I possibly lose?
I am so torn between wanting to love and care for someone that is even more alone than I - who has never experienced Christ's love - and moving on and attempting to save whatever 'self' I may have left. It's taken some time, but I realize that I can't save the one who shares my name.
On Tues, December 23, 2008, a judge will sever the civil ties that bind us, but in reality that will change little. The pain won't be as easy to set aside, as our lives will forever be intertwined.
But I will no longer share his name.
Labels: Marie Anne